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| Appetite Suppressant : The Dacron Dining Hall is widely considered the ugliest room on earth. |
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Attending Stutts has its privileges, and one of those is admission into our exclusive, highly rated network of exclusive dining facilities. Fresh off its third-straight “Honorable Mention” from the critics at UnFood magazine, Stutts remains a leader in the exploding field of “spoke and hub” cuisine.
The Magic of "Spoke and Hub"
Stutts was the first American university to install this system of food preparation; “spoke and hub” means that all cuisine is prepared where it originated, by the people who know it best. Whether it’s pad thai, pasta, or couscous, it’s food made by moms—what could be better than that?
Cooked to tepidity, it’s flash-frozen. Then it’s whisked via surface vessel to Great Littleton, where dedicated employees place it in our storage facilities. On the big night, the food is trucked to the dining hall, where our cooking staff expertly reheats the food in large batches. Then it is arranged on the plate for maximum taste and enjoyment—just like at a four-star restaurant!
Having the food prepared remotely has allowed us to save many millions of dollars; not only can we keep our Great Littleton workforce at a skeleton level, we can pay reduced wages for exciting, exotic cuisine. In the third world, the indigenous peoples have centuries of practice creating delicious meals at the lowest possible cost. And by concentrating our facilities to impoverished countries, we send comparatively good-paying jobs to the places that need them most.
Three Levels of Excitement
But the innovation doesn’t end there. Each student admitted to Stutts receives a free Standard-level membership in our Dining Rewards program. This membership (a $100 value) entitles him/her to unlimited amounts of rice, pasta, or potatoes (no sauce). Extras—everything from basic proteins to peach melba!—can be ordered a la carte for a small additional charge. It’s just like eating at a restaurant, only the restaurant’s right next door. Standard level also entitles the bearer to enter any one of Stutts’ twenty butteries—small snack shops located in most dorms and central meeting places. There, they can order tasty treats at a large mark-up whenever the urge to snack occurs!
For those students who want a little more choice in their diet, there are further levels of membership. (Upgrades are available at any time, and are added automatically to the student’s University Credit account, for easy payment by parents.) For only one additional $5000 surcharge per semester, The prestigious Elite level entitles the student to order anything on the menu once per meal. It also comes with a chair. In the college butteries, Elite members can also requisition the best seats, so there’s no danger of not being able to see the television as you eat that late-night ice cream or slice of pizza.
But for nature’s aristocrats, there is only one choice: Premier level. For an added $25,000 per semester, Premier students enjoy a level of luxury transported from an earlier age. Each afternoon, a knock on their dorm-room door brings Ebenkenezekial's Chosen, a special parchment-printed menu which collects the best items from a variety of local restaurants; if that does not delight, items from New York restaurants can be special-ordered at no charge, but require a three-hour notice.
The Eagle Club
Special food deserves a special place in which to eat. For an additional surcharge (serious inquiries only), Premier members receive access to our Eagle Club dining facilities. Tucked inside each dining hall, their locations a closely guarded secret, the oasis-like Eagle Club offers a respite from the rowdy pleasures of the common crowd. Meals are served on linen tablecloths, sporting University china. Wines are carefully selected from the University’s cellars, and served in exquisite crystal.
Best of all, each meal is served by a student receiving financial aid. Each server must go through a rigorous, fifty-point inspection prior to the meal, making sure that they have everything from clean fingernails to the proper attitude. And they can be fired at any time—by a supervisor or Premier member—so they are sure to make the member’s experience top-notch. Premier members also have a butler on call 24 hours a day, to procure something for those midnight cravings. As one student told us, “After one day with the candy-butler, I could never use a vending machine again!” Remember: it isn't decadent if you deserve it—upgrade today!
