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| “Cheerio, Mater!”: If your child begins speaking with a strange new accent, seek help immediately. |
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The following is a transcript of a recent call to our parental helpline:
Parent: ”Hi, my name is [deleted], and my Freshman daughter just came home for Thanksgiving.
Stutts: Great. Is she enjoying her classes?
Parent: I think so, but that's not why I'm calling. I'm calling because--how do I put this? She's talking like somebody out of Brideshead Revisited.
Stutts: We get that a lot.
Parent: She insists that her father—who's a lawyer—owns a mill in Lancashire. Last night at dinner, she accused him of being a “nouveau riche clod.”
Stutts: How unpleasant.
Parent: She didn't used to talk like that. And she called me "gormless." What the hell does that even MEAN? She insists her brother in medical school is "serving Her Majesty in Injah." Not 'India'--'Injah.' I could just smack her.
Stutts: Calm down, ma'am.
Parent: Don't tell me to—she's demanding afternoon tea. And 'elevenses'! I don't even know what those are!
Stutts: Ma'am, the good news is that this is fairly common. Attending Stutts is an extremely powerful psychoactive experience. The feeling of privilege alone is enough to drive more sensitive students off the rails.
Parents: Why wasn't there something about this in the application?
Stutts: Tell me: in high school, did your daughter write poetry, or dress eccentrically?
The student in question went on to make a full recovery, and is now a fully functional member of the Stutts community. In fact, she's just been elected captain of the Sand College Intramural Kegstand Team.
