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| Food or tuition?: Don't think of it as four years of cornflakes. Think of it as the “Ivy League Diet.” |
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It started in the womb, playing Mozart through a Bose IUD. Then there was getting into the best schools, from preschool on up, with all the politicking and payoffs. Then hours patrolling the playground, discouraging dead-end friendships, in favor of ones with six-year-olds clearly "going places."
Then getting her into the right classes, and battling to ensure that every teacher saw how special she was, how worthy of extra attention. Swimming lessons, soccer practice, “educational” vacations; the twice-daily urine tests, to make sure the only drugs in her system were Ritalin, caffeine, and the ylang-ylang suggested by her SAT coach.
From scheduling her first playdate to carefully shaping her extracurriculars into perfect well-roundedness, you've managed every part of your child's life. Now it's time for the final assault on her future: college. And not just any college, either—Stutts, the Everest of education. You’ve done the right thing by aiming high—but then again, you always have. That's just the kind of parent you are.
The Super Bowl of parenting
We don’t have to tell you how much is riding on this. Career opportunities. Prosperity. Recent studies suggest that Stutts graduates even have longer lives. Who wouldn't want to give that to their child? Only some sort of monster.
But applying to Stutts isn’t just about the applicant. It’s your big chance as well: to have your parenting validated, to get a stamp of approval, to show every relative who ever said, “Just let her be a kid.” Whatever happens after they graduate, every Stutts student is a billboard with letters a hundred feet high proclaiming, “I have smart, responsible, good parents.”
Don’t be cheap
This is what the marketing people call “added value,” and it’s why no accepted student should be turned away for lack of money. Think of it this way: if God didn’t want your child to go to Stutts, He wouldn’t have given you two kidneys.
We have decades of experience making a Stutts education possible for people who can’t afford it. Most families have a lot more than they think: our financial aid office is tireless in finding things for you to borrow on, leverage, pawn or steal. And don’t forget that most precious asset of all: time. We were the first university to re-introduce the concept of indentured servitude—Stuttslavery™ is now copied by schools worldwide. Young people have nothing but time; what’s seven years hacking bauxite out of the cold Ukrainian earth to them?
Where your child goes to college says a lot about you. Don’t you want to look your best, whatever the cost?
