 |
| Trust us: At Stutts, we do not do any secret work for the U.S. Government, especially not work developing horrible new diseases and bombs and a way to assassinate Hugo Chavez that is so funny you’d shit yourself laughing. No stuff like that. Really. |
 |
 |
Founded centuries ago to train simple ministers, Stutts is now a multinational corporation. Our business is the manufacture of knowledge, and business is good. Very, very good.
Our product cannot be tested or recalled; today’s fact is tomorrow’s nonsense. Yet Stutts can sell it at astronomical prices, sight unseen, to businesses and governments, even individual customers. These individual consumers are called “suck”—sorry, “students.”
Our golden oldies
At Stutts, the student is our most important customer. We are passionate about appearing responsive to their concerns. Students grow into alumni, and alumni donations are a powerful weapon in the never-ending battle to stay ahead of our competition—not just worthy competitors like Keasbey, but also mammoth, Orwellian institutions funded by the State. Satisfied customers—or customers that have forgotten how unsatisfied they once were—are the golden geese that just keep giving.
A question for the ages
The question is, why? Do they also write annual checks to the person who built their house? Or made their car? If Stutts considers itself a business selling a product, shouldn’t both parties go their separate ways, post-transaction?
Don’t be ridiculous—we’ll pester you for money for the rest of your life. And you won’t get anything in return for it, either; you’re giving, not becoming a stockholder. We’ll do exactly what we want with your donation, throwing it into the stock market, or doling out perks to the folks at the top.
We're obligated by our new charter (ratified October 2005) to “squeeze out every last penny” from our alumni. We’ll use nostalgia, guilt, inhuman persistence; we’ll get students to call, even old friends—nothing is below us. Because we’re a multinational corporation, remember? We only do what’s right when it makes us money.
The best part
And did we mention we don’t pay taxes?
Call Dunning Alumni House (or your Class Rep) and make your donation today!
