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| “Die, you bastard! Die!”: “It’s not enough to succeed. Others must fail.”—Gore Vidal ‘47 |
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For centuries Stutts alums have lain awake at night, asking themselves questions like, "Am I a failure? Has all this rushing towards achievement added up to nothing? What do I say when my teenager calls me a ball-less corporate sellout'?"
It used to be that these questions could only be answered through deep introspection, followed by an embarrassing midlife crisis and tedious increase in religious faith. No longer!
Using a complex formula taking into account your fame, income, reputation, spouse's attractiveness, ability to get a table at fancy restaurants and literally hundreds of other factors, we can now calcuate the quality of your life. That numerical value can then be compared to the values of other Stutts alumni, so that you can make important life decisions based on impressing everyone else, whether it makes you happy or not.
Think you've done pretty well for yourself? Below are the leaders from each Class. If you think you can beat them, contact Stutts' Department of Ranks and Shaming for a semi-private consultation.
Leader Note Davis Baldwin Has monster 900-ft yacht Frederick Briggs Venture cap—Briggs, Briggs, and Sons Geoff Normandie Endowed Apollo 11 mission Morris Qualmandry "The human bank" Marcus Dahl Trophy wife causes riots Dave Ewing Horse won Ky. Derby Persy Bobbin, Jr. Inventor, gluestick Grosvenor Mannish-Cruppit Voted "most British" by London Times Giovanni Provenza III Created Warren Commission Cornell Knox Nixon speechwriter turned real estate mogul Julliard V. Hoffman Food critic, container ship heir Sanborn Van Dam Investor, philanthropist Jefferson Mason Purdy Managed Reagan's “October Surprise" Kerry Rowley CEO, Land-Mine! Industries James Dix Stock guru Gardner Maynard Host, PBS’ “Hmm…with Gardner Maynard” Prescott Prestone Chairman, RNC Christopher H. Upton Movie producer “Kip” Witherspoon Chairman, DNC Lauren O’Reilly Owner, O’Reilly Brewing Everett Johnstone Advertising executive turned environmental activist Gabriele Van Ness Chairman, Issioni PLC (luxury goods) Tully Martin Trial lawyer Darry Parton Cattle, oil, diamonds Rolf Fotheringill Diplomat Molson Osborne TV evangelist James Wheelock Satellite TV tycoon Peter LeQ. Furniss ex-Senator, Lobbyist for Kuwaiti royal family Henry Morse Car dealer Kathleen Wybrick President, Duke University Burlington Darling III IV Governor-Elect of Michigan Harold Zysman Head, American Dermitological Society Peyton Mixter Neurologist Michael Harding Owns 73% of Shaker Heights, OH Karen Palmer Federal Judge, ex-Oui centerfold Ricardo Patrick Publisher, Daily Money Jane Piaget Painter, Heiress, Society figure Suzanne Kaplan Chief Counsel, North Korea Vinny Overton Movie director Phil Noble-Hardin Bush family lawyer Mary Pritchard Chairman, Amnesty International Ken Tso Actor Molly Trenchard Op-Ed columnist, New York Times Kerri Kimball Top flack for Pfizer Yeun Chiang CEO, KwikEat Kelly Forbes Actor Janet Volpe-Watson Assistant Undersecretary of State Leland Pulp Agent, CAA Mal Greenough Philanthropist and indy filmmaker Mark Webber Showrunner, “Drunks” Karen Fitzgerald Newsreader, CBS Chicago Bob Kravath Head of “flash-mobs” for Howard Dean’s ’04 run Yoav Aviram Lawyer-turned-rapper Cindy Wentworth Heiress, blogger Theodosia Meital Shipping, famed “party girl” James Duncan Husband of Meital, Men’s Health model Nathan Foot Author, “The Killing Tree” Tullie Weidman Copywriter, Leo Burnett Whitman Walsh-Kruzer CEO, Infobong Reggie Turner, Jr. Creator/head writer, “U Da Man” Clarissa Mashmouli Is hot; got in Cosmo; has really sweet Wall St. job
