From Lord Stutts’ first gift of nineteen obscene chapbooks, the Stutts University system of libraries and museums has grown into the greatest repository of human knowledge since ancient Alexandria. “We have more books that have been proven wrong than most other libraries have, period,” brags Lionel Charivaria, Stutts Chief Librarian. It is, as one wise man once wrote, “Enough stuff to lose a life in.”
You can find the answer to nearly any question at Harriman Library, the main campus library and the jewel of our system. Its layout is so vast, and its holdings so immense, that information once thought lost is rediscovered on a regular basis. For example: a graduate student digging in some seldom-visited stacks discovered what really did happen to the fabled complex at Alexandria. The ancient world’s storehouse of irreplaceable information was burned in the fourth century AD, by (not surprisingly) some rascals from Stutts’ Comma Comma Apostrophe fraternity, celebrating a dramatic Stutts victory over Alexandria A&M. Some faculty members called for retroactive sanctions to be imposed on the frat, but President Whitbread, himself a CCA brother, said, “When you’ve got a history as long as we do, things like that are bound to happen.”
“…everything wondr’ous and useful”
The University Museum, located in the heart of Great Littleton, is another fantastic resource. But unlike the library system, you don’t have to be a scholar to enjoy their collections.
“We make a point to reach out to the community,” says Fanton Mandrake, head of the University Museum. The “UM” as it is called, is constantly coming up with new exhibits and programs designed to appeal as widely as possible. Last year, over four million people visited the University Museum’s acclaimed “Founding Fathers” exhibit, which included some never-before-seen personal items and correspondence from the men and women of the Revolution. A letter from Thomas Jefferson to his mistress Sally Hemings, on “the importance of keeping our stories straight,” made the national news. “Some people—the jerks over at Harriman, for example—think we were trying to go ‘lowest common denominator’ with it,” Mandrake says. “That’s not true. We were looking to humanize them. For example, did you know that Washington’s penis was the size of a spool of thread? And yet he was the father of our entire country. An amazing man.”
beyond Great Littleton
Though most undergraduates get through their four years without going anywhere but Harriman and the UM, the Stutts system boasts over 490 separate buildings, in 13 different states. Altogether the system houses over sixteen trillion items, with more flooding in daily. Stutts was a leader in using prisoners to sort its collections; this keeps costs to a bare minimum, with only a few successful escapes. “It wasn’t my fault,” says the Chief of Campus Police Oscar Renalli. “How am I supposed to remember that real statues can’t talk?”
Students interested in material from any one of Stutts’ off-campus sites can use the “Knowledge-By-Mail” system, in which the material is posted to them. Or, if the material is too valuable, vice-versa. Don’t worry—it is no more uncomfortable than a long train trip.