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| Hmmm…Harmless brown-nosing or another assassination attempt? Bilius Professsor of History Percy Pokington eyes a suspicious gift. |
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If it cares to, the modern University can trace its roots back to medieval times, in the companies of scholars which gathered in cities like Oxford, Paris, and Heidelberg to learn, drink, and brawl. So it should come as no surprise that Stutts’ relationship with its faculty is rooted in traditions which date back to the Middle Ages, that period when a benighted, superstitious Europe was divided into kingdoms, each postage stamp of land under the sway of a ruthless, power-crazed, pocket-sized despot.
What’s wrong with Divine Right?
Before the 1960s, some tenured professors at Stutts actually held the power of life and death over their students. Today, in the post-civil rights era, the power of professors at Stutts is confined to academic matters, but they have retaliated by erecting a thicket of rules and regulations nearly impossible to navigate. It is a rare student that does not end up indentured to one or more faculty members, doomed for years to work off some infraction, perceived or real. The tasks are as varied as our faculty, but can include: research, filing, ghostwriting, housepainting, laundry, childcare, prospecting, medical trials, or sexual favors. This gives the Stutts student priceless one-on-one contact with the leading lights of American scholarship; it’s one of the things that make a Stutts education the finest in the world. It also allows our faculty to live like royalty on a dentist’s wages.
Each entering Freshman must pick a major, and here is where your Stutts education really begins. Which department will you choose? Where does the power lie, and within that department, whom will you cultivate? Do you curry favor with the Head of the Department, only to see him fall in a coup led by an upstart more skilled in a suddenly hot field of study? Or will you hitch your fortunes to a young Turk, betting that she will be able to turn her popularity with students and frequent appearances on CNN into a posh new duchy? Choose well, and your career could be made. Choose badly, and you may find yourself “S.O.L.” (that's academic slang for “unable to find a tenure-track position”).
Getting off to the right start
Whether you’ve been accepted or not, it’s never too early to begin fawning. To make it easier, below is a list of some of Stutts’ most powerful professors, with their hobbies and interests. Gifts (especially expensive ones) are always appropriate.
Percy Pokington (History)—fast cars, chocolate, blondes.
Matsuoko Davis (Art)—scrapbooking, Depression glass
Virginia Woolf Schlumpf (Women's Studies)—vintage port, Asiago cheese
Nathan Gawain Thomas (Mathematics)—footrubs, Lego porn
D'arcy Randall (English)—first editions, varsity athletes
Balthazar Phanjoo (Physics)—movie memorabilia, with an emphasis on schlock horror
Jocelyn Elspeth Quinn (History)—any bullet taken from a dead body
Mudiwa Emeka (Sociology)—jazz, Dale Ernhardt kitsch
