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| Free Jell-O!: Any student shot twice in a single semester will receive free gelatin desserts (Restrictions apply). |
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It’s a rough world out there, and Great Littleton is no exception. That’s why every entering student is required to sign the Stutts Creed. In addition to outlining the standards of behavior we expect from every student (and transferring the rights to all intellectual property generated during your time at Stutts), this quaint-looking but powerful document indemnifies the University, its subsidiaries, clients, heirs, and assigns, from any lawsuit. This lets both sides concentrate on what’s really important: the student’s speedy recovery, with no interruption of tuition payments.
If you are shot within the central campus area, walk/drag yourself to the nearest EaglePhone, and press “1-1-1-1-#-#-1-*.” This will connect you to a dispatcher. In most cases, a StuttShuttle (please have exact fare, as the driver cannot give change) will arrive within twenty to an hour and twenty minutes. Once onboard, it is a short forty minute ride to University Health Services at 35 Waterbug Way.
Upon arrival, you will be funneled into the Theodore S. Rankin ’64 Holding Area in the basement of the building, to give you quiet and privacy, as well prevent any wandering parents from freaking out. Next, you will be required to fill out Form 356-VI, Student Violent Injury Report (Abridged). This short seventeen-page form will ask you for information about the incident, so that the best face can be put on it for the local news. They just LOVE it when a Stutts kid gets shot.
In addition to proof of injury, please have two forms of photo ID available. Please note: due to the prevalence of fakes, your StuttsCard student ID card cannot be accepted as valid ID. Don’t blame us, you brought it on yourselves. Students whose file does not contain a signed copy of the Stutts Creed can not be treated by Stutts medical personnel. They will be transferred to the Provost’s Office, where they can obtain and sign a replacement Creed during normal business hours. Non-Creed injured will be directed to Pamphlet 104-R, Treating Your Own Gunshot. Stutts policy does not allow us to accept any forms not notarized by a certified notary public, so plan your injury accordingly.
If all your forms are in order, you should receive treatment no more than 72 hours after your injury, though the wait might be longer during high-traffic times (September through May).
