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| For Medicinial Use ONLY: Although most of Stutts’ original wealth came from sales of our fine “Connecticut Stupor” opium, this means of fundraising hasn't been used in decades. |
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What does the Stutts crest mean?
Though the Stutts crest in the upper righthand cor-ner is a fairly recent invention (1972), it is only the latest in many attempts to encapsulate the 5,000-year history of the institution in graphic form. The crest is ringed with the school's Latin motto: "Social Prominence, Propriety, and Wealth"—the three signal virtues of the institution. At the top is the traditional founding date of the University, 3991 B.C.E.
In ancient times, it was said that the Greek god Apollo was an alum—thus, laurel wreaths were used to denote graduation from Stutts. After centuries of such positive associations, it was only natural that they be used to crown champions in the Olympics of ancient Greece. The crown above the shield is designed to remind viewers of the favor Stutts has always enjoyed from temporal rulers, many of whom have been graduates. Not for nothing is Stutts called "the King of Colleges"!
But Stutts is not just concerned with temporal power—it aims higher. On older copies of the crest, you will see Hebrew characters on the book; this can be translated as "Closer to God," the motto of the original group of scholars that settled in Great Littleton. In 1972, following a plebiscite of the student body, the characters were removed, creating blank pages which mutely ask the question, "Do we ever really know anything?" The book, a symbol of learning, sits atop a shield; in medieval times, Stutts was considered "the shield of learning," protecting Christly knowledge against those who would corrupt it by introducing nonstandard facts.
The items on the shield all symbolize Stutts’ history in the United States. The eagle is self-explan-atory, Stutts' usual attempt to cozy up to the government of its host country. The three tobacco leaves commemorate the University's long-standing relationship with profit-making drugs: first tobacco, then opium, and most recently, pharmaceuticals, have all fattened the endowment immeasurably. The "All-Hearing Ear," while less well-known than the All-Seeing Eye, is a Masonic symbol of some renown, and symbolizes the University's ties to the Masonic movement so powerful in the early years of this country. Finally, the hands clasped in friendship is a reminder to friend and foe alike that Stutts' strength lies in its vast network of connections and favors, accumulated over many centuries and constantly being replenished. While the university would never besmirch its escutcheon with anything so crude as a rattlesnake, the clasped hands are its way of saying, "Don't Tread on Me."
Why do you have banner ads on your website? Other colleges don't.
We at Stutts have no interest in what other institutions do or do not do. Please do not mention them in our presence.
Universities have traditionally kept their distance from brute commerce, not wanting to soil themselves with the rough-and-tumble, buy-and-sell, fleece-and-enslave spirit of capitalism. This squeamishness is not only unnecessary, it has also prevented universities from evolving into dynamic entities more suited to modern life.
As ever, Stutts is determined to take the lead. In 2003, President Whitbread announced his bold "Unicorporateversity Initiative," designed to lead Stutts into the next milennium. By a drastic restructuring of the school, we will incorporate the unique benefits and efficiencies of the corporate model into an educational paradigm. Though the program remains in its infancy, executive salaries have already risen 4200% and the Fencing Team has been outsourced to Jodphur, India, where it is making a marginal profit as a IT help line.
The ads, then, are ur-"Unicorporateversity." While they advertise clearly reprehensible products and generate a mere pittance, they embody the essence of today's Stutts: everything is for sale. As Provost Rivington likes to say, “We are a .com, not an .edu.”
I can’t find Great Littleton on a map. I don't think it really exists.
(chuckles) If only! Throughout its history, Great Littleton has been claimed, then promptly disowned, by the states of Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. Who it belongs to—that is, who is respon-sible for it—has been debated for centuries; including it on a map would force the cartographer to rule in favor of one claim or the other, and after several early mapmakers were bombed, the relevant profes-sional societies voted to exclude Great Littleton from future maps, simply to ensure the safety of their members. In the 1890s, in an effort to stave off a new civil war, the Trustees of Stutts presented the city to Her Majesty Queen Victoria, who was very old and infirm and thus unlikely to actually see what she was getting. Though this did prevent the outbreak of outright rebellion by one or more of the states in question, it did complicate matters even further, in that as far as matters of international law are concerned, Great Littleton is a part of the United Kingdom.
Where things stand today is truly anyone’s guess. Frankly, we all try to avoid the subject, and suggest you do the same. If you get in, we’ll send you directions.
What are Stutts’ colors?
Stutts colors are red, white and light blue. They were adopted at the time of the American Revolution. With its alumni leading both sides, Stutts was employing its customary “wait and see” outlook, refusing to declare for either the British or the colonials. So they incorporated both redcoat red and colonial blue into their flag. Later, after the British surrender at Yorktown, a coterie of prominent alumni forced the fledgling U.S. government into an agreement where it paid Stutts a small annual royalty for the use of “our colors.”
That agreement remained in force until the Civil War, when the colors underwent a slight change. Once again loathe to alienate one group of powerful alumni in favor of another, someone at the Stutts Alumni Fund came up with a novel solution: by lightening the blue, it might also be considered “grayish.” With both blue and gray in its flag, Mother Stutts enjoyed an uninterrupted flow of love and lucre from abolitionists and slaveowners alike.
Today, the Stutts flag is a common sight all over campus; many students buy one to decorate their rooms. The Stutts Streakers regularly wear them as capes during their midnight gallops all over Great Littleton. The flags are also good for marking the exact position of kegs inside tailgating-crowded parking lots. On campus, the Stutts flag flies at half-mast whenever the White House is occupied by a non-Stutts graduate.
Have a question about Stutts University? We may answer—send it to SAQ AT stuttsuniversity.com.
