Satirist defends “book”
“The joke’s on you!” brayed Michael Gerber ’91 before a jeering Lytton Hall crowd yesterday. “Burned copies are sold copies, suckers!” The recently excommunicated alum was on campus promoting his trashy exposé of Stutts student life, Freshman.
Water: silent killer?
Stutts scientists working incredibly, incredibly closely with the National Dairy Board have made a shocking new discovery: for optimum health, people should drink more milk, heavy cream, and melted cheese.
Binge drinking “dangerously low”
“I’m very concerned,” said Trip Darling ‘09, freshman and self-styled spiritual leader of the raucous Comma Comma Apostrophe fraternity. “CCA can’t do it alone. Each one of us has got to step up and make some really bad decisions.”
Exhibit emphasizes slain
leader’s rockin’ sex life
“We wanted to show a different side of the late Dr. King,” said Fanton Mandrake '69, head of the University Museum. The exhibit, “Get a Load of THIS Dream,” runs through the end of the month.
High schoolers killing each other to get in, Dean brags; Women’s volleyball loses again; Kubrick papers reveal "2001” monolith was stand-in for Stutts; Great Littleton Sleet Parade postponed due to sun; Men's hockey loses again; Yo-yos new campus craze; Flash-fire at Political Union due to mass of hot air; Men’s basketball loses again; President of Chile found passed out behind gym; Swimming
team loses again, presumed drowned.